And If You Think I Don't Miss You Everyday
by CarmGonzalez
Summary: Josh and Donna story. What I would have like to see after Josh tells her this one sentence. I would have changed the story and had them get together after that scene. A bit of angst but definite romance as well.
1. Prologue

_**And If You Think I Don't Miss You Everyday **_

One of the best scenes (and the most heartbreaking – at least for me) was when Donna went to Josh to ask him for a job after Santos had won the nomination. I think it took courage for her to do that and it also took courage for Josh to finally let her know that he missed her. It made me cry. Here is what I would have like to see happen on the show…

_**Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. I am just in love with them and want to do them justice through the written word.**_

_**Prologue – **_

_**Donna's POV**_

"_**And if you think I don't miss you every day…"**_

Those ten words hit home for Donna. She didn't know what to do with that sentence. How should she react? Her first response was to tell him the truth – the whole truth and nothing but the truth: "I've missed you too." That's what she wanted to say but, as much as she wanted to voice those words back to him, she couldn't. How could she? After everything they had been through? After all her tears, her fears, her love for him? After his seemingly complete disregard for her feelings? Does he not know how much asking him for a job humiliates and affects me? How much I had tossed and turned this idea in my head before going to him to ask him for a job? She was in front of him completely vulnerable and at his mercy and once again he ripped her to shreds. Story of her life: well story of her life with Josh Lyman.

Donna didn't miss the way his voice hitched and cracked while uttering the ten words that kept on replaying over and over in her mind. She could not have possibly imagined all the times that she thought he might feel something for her aside from an assistant and her boss relationship; or a friend to friend relationship. But where had they gone wrong? What made them be so distant and apart now that it seemed although there could be more than a friendship, at this juncture, they couldn't even go back to being friends or being a boss and subordinate at least.

She still loved him. Actually she had never stopped. She had been mad as hell at him but she never stopped loving him. She had loved him since the first time she laid eyes on him. People either believed in love at first sight or they didn't. She had been one of the many that didn't believe in it – that was until she met Josh. She remembered, like if it was yesterday, the first time she laid eyes on Josh. The way that her heart had leapt to her throat when he said hello to her when he didn't even know who she was and the way that he had smiled at her and given her his staff card so she could stay and work. Those memories were stored away in her head and in her heart as good memories. Memories that didn't make her bleed until she felt weak and about to pass out. No, the bad memories were the ones that did that to her. And lately those were the memories that she thought of – the bad ones. The ones that hurt more than a deep cut to her skin.

Where had things gone so wrong between them? Had it been her selfish need to move up? Had it been CJ's conversation that sent her over the edge? Had it been that she needed to distance herself from the one person that didn't love her the way she wanted him to love her? Had it been that she had been afraid that the love she thought both of them might have ended up being one sided and on her side for that matter? She never really thought that it was only her. It couldn't of have been but Josh would show her time and time again that while he would banter with her and keep her laughing most of the day with his geeky humor and indescribable quick wit – he still never told her how he felt. So she chose to believe that he felt more for her, and when it never came to fruition, after years of waiting for him, she came undone and had no other choice but to make it about her and about her career and about her need to demonstrate to everyone that she was capable of being more than his assistant. But had it all been an excuse? A sorry excuse to run away from the heartache that was sure to come from his lack of interest and his lack of love towards her? God? Why?

"_**I can make some calls…"**_ she heard Josh utter after he had once again broken her heart.

Of course – humiliate me some more why don't you Joshua? She would not let him do that for her. Out of pity? She would rather die. She found herself getting up from the chair and waving her hand at him dismissively. _**"Thank you for your time."**_ She stated, afraid that her voice would betray her. That her voice would crack, like his did, and that she would be forever remembered by him as his assistant that pined over him and came crawling back to him. No. She was done making a fool of herself for this man. She would not give him the satisfaction of watching her cry and see her defeated. Even if it killed her, she would walk out of his office with her head held high and her dignity intact – or whatever was left of her dignity.

She grabbed her purse and made a hasty exit to the door without even turning around to glance at him. If she would have turned around, she probably would have seen him standing at the door watching her leave. She would maybe have recognized the pain in his eyes as well but that was not meant to be. She would probably have understood that he was in pain as much as she was. But alas, it was not meant to be.

She needed to get out of the Santos' Campaign Headquarters immediately. She would rather die than to have Josh or any of his staff see her crying and falling apart at his blatant denial to hire her. She pressed the button to the elevator. She had told him that it was her job – that it wasn't personal and he had resorted to saying that yes indeed, he had done the same thing to her candidate, but at the end he had won. And she had lost is what was left out of that sentence. She had lost – lost her job, lost him, lost everything. She had nowhere to go. Well nowhere where she wanted to be. But she would pick herself up and dust herself off and live the life she had been living since she walked out of the White House and out of Josh's life a few months back. She would survive. Without him. But she would survive. Besides she had months of experience on that front. Living without him was not a piece of cake but it was something that sadly she was getting accustomed to.

_**Josh's POV**_

"_**And if you think I don't miss you everyday…"**_

Josh heard his voice crack after he uttered those ten words that had been replaying in his mind for the past few months. Those words followed him everywhere. They were attached to his mind and his heart since she had left him standing utterly dumbfounded that she had indeed left him. Quit. Just like that – in an instant. One minute she was his assistant and the next minute she was nothing to him. He never understood how easily she was able to walk away from him. Yes. From him. There. He said it. From him. Not the job. Not the White House. Not the President. From him.

_Damn her to hell…_He should hate her. With every fiber of his being he should hate her. He should be enjoying seeing her squirm and he should be gloating at her apparent humiliation and discomfort. But instead his heart was breaking for her. It could not be easy for her to be sitting in front of him asking for a job. After all she had left him. Up and left him without barely a good bye. It was so easy for her to walk away and forget him and now she had come back asking to be reinstated in his service. Well maybe not his service but then again hadn't he always felt somewhat of an ownership towards Donna? Yes. Of course he had. Donna after all had been his assistant. He had mentored her – he could even say that he had taught her everything that she knew and she was as successful as she was now because he had mentored and guided her. Not to say that she was not a smart cookie, she was but he had helped her throughout the way and for her to just leave him. That was what had hurt him the most.

"_**You're not used to seeing me in a position of authority…"**_ she began.

God! Was that really what she thought? Seriously? One step ahead and ten steps back – what was it with them? Did she think him such a son of a bitch that he would not be happy that she had succeeded? And right there, after three seconds, he was back to being mad at her and wanting to kill her at what she did to them. Why couldn't she just have stayed with him? Helped him? Where had he gone so wrong for her to hate him so much that she walked out – without notice – and left him all alone? Because she had to have hated him. If not, there was no way that he could picture Donna leaving him. After all they had been through – after everything she must hate him. She had to. If she didn't hate him then nothing would make sense. Nothing could make sense.

The knowledge that her leaving him still hurt like hell and how he never really recuperated from it stared him in the face but as much as he wanted to kill her, as much as he wanted to beg her to come back to him, to work for him, to be with him day in and day out his pride got the best of him and he said instead: _**"I could make a few calls…" **_Pride be damned…his feelings for her also won and he was not a son of a bitch – no matter what she thought. That's why he had extended that offer. He would find her something. He would never let her be unemployed and not have money to be able to live. He loved her. Had always loved her. Would always love her.

Even though the love he had for her was out of the realm of possibility, it didn't make it any less true. He had fallen in love with her years back. He just never had the guts to tell her. But he never thought that she was that unhappy with him. Many times he had thought that she felt something as well. Many times he thought that he might have detected a flash of jealousy against women he had been dating. Women that seemed so irrelevant now. Women whose names escaped him at this point in time because it had been so long since he had seen her and so long since he had her this close to him. That no woman could measure up and no woman ever would. He was destined to love her for eternity and if he couldn't have her then he wanted no one else. He would live his life working and making others successful but as for him and his personal life – he lived and breathed Donna – whether she was with him or not. That was his lot in life and he had accepted that a long time ago.

It was then that he saw her put her hands up as if dismissing the notion and dismissing him in the process. That hurt more than anything else. The fact that she would not even accept his help. Why come in the first place then? Was she that naïve that she thought that he could forget everything that had happened and embrace her? Tell her she was part of his team? She had worked for the enemy for God's sake! The enemy. She had left him and went to work for someone else. Someone he was not endorsing and someone who was his enemy! That type betrayal you don't forget or forgive quickly – if ever.

"_**Thank you for your time." **_Josh heard her say as she grabbed her bag and headed towards the door without even looking at him. Without even glancing his way. Dismissing him. Like she had dismissed him so many months ago. And damn her…damn her to all hell! It still hurt the same as when she did it the first time. Even through his pain he found himself getting up from his chair and following her to his door. He saw her walking towards the elevator – her head held high, her dignity intact. She still didn't even turn to see if he was looking at her, following her with his gaze to the elevators. He just saw her walk away from him once again.

The need to call out to her was so intense but he held it at bay. He had held his love for her at bay for almost a decade – this should be a piece of cake. But seeing her leave him once again was worse than any other pain he had ever experienced. Possibly worse than the first time she left. Because the first time she had left he did think she would come back. For weeks he held hope that she would return to him. She always returned to him. Now he was not so sure.

He walked back into his office, closing the door harshly behind him. He didn't care if his staff wondered what the hell was going on. He didn't want to see anyone just yet. Right now all he could do was sit down in his chair, put his head in his hands and rock back and forth in order to calm down once again. Donna's visit had left him raw and ragged.

How was he supposed to go on with his day after what just happened?

He sighed sadly, laid back in his chair and closed his eyes. "Twenty minutes Josh. You have twenty minutes to get it together and then you're done. You have work to do. You will put Donna behind you like you did months ago and do your job. You can't have her but you can have this. You will forget about her – at least until the next time a memory of her hits you with such force that you are rendered useless. But for now you have twenty minutes." He repeated to himself.

_**How am I going to go on?**_


	2. The Phone Call - Chapter 1

_**And If You Think I Don't Miss You Everyday…**_

Thank you to all that viewed and/or reviewed my story. I hope that you guys enjoyed the prologue. I am not quite sure how long or exactly where I'm taking the story. I guess we will have to wait and see where my muse takes me (and by muse I mean my mood…)

Please continue to let me know your thoughts or what you guys would like to see in the developing story/plot.

_**1/15/13 - Thanks to sassie69 for noticing (via review) that Lou would not call Donna - Donnatella...I have changed that to make it more real. Also...thanks for all the reviews. Hopefully the changes come through and I didn't miss changing all the names.**_

_**Chapter 1**_

_**Santo's Headquarters**_

Lou walked into Josh's office when she observed, about 20 minutes after Donna left, that he opened the door and went to his chair to sit behind his desk. She saw when he picked up a manila folder and threw it into his top desk drawer as if touching the folder burned him. She wondered what that folder held and why it affected him so much. She also wondered what had transpired between him and Donna Moss. She knew that they had worked together for many years and rumor had it that when she left, she had left on bad terms. From what she took in today between the two that might just be an accurate statement instead of just a mere rumor.

For the first time ever she worried about him. For the past few months working for him had not been a breeze but he had his moments of clarity and his moments where his ideas were pure genius and she would smile inwardly and secretly be glad that she took this job. But now, seeing Josh almost defeated made her wonder if at any point in his career he had been carefree and happy? Maybe when Donna worked for him he was different. Acted different? But she would have no way of knowing. Maybe he had been happy to work side by side with her and was easy to get along with and not so quick to yell and scream at anyone who didn't do what he expected of them? Not that Josh yelling happened often but when it did, it was serious.

"Can I help you Lou?" Josh questioned quietly and looked up at her. She had been standing by his door for a bit and she seemed to be intently thinking about something. He just wanted to get her out of his office as fast as he could because how he felt tonight, he just needed to be alone with his thoughts. Twenty minutes had not been enough to compose himself and be able to be productive at his job. Not tonight.

Josh looked tired. Ragged? But she knew better than to ask him about it so instead she stated: "Yeah. I was wondering if Donnatella Moss had come asking for a job?"

At his inward flinch she knew that his mood had to do with her. Absolutely! "She did." Josh stated and then looked down at the closed drawer. Maybe that manila folder was about Donna as well. It linked his mood, her interview and his sadness (because that is what she saw in his eyes: sadness) to one person: Donnatella Moss. _**What transpired with you two? **_

"Are we hiring her?" she questioned.

"No." Was his answer, straight and to the point, his answer more instinctual than anything else.

"Why not?" She questioned. "There is no doubt in my mind that Donna would be an added asset to the campaign."

Lou saw Josh rub has face with both hands and sighed out loud: "She worked for the other team. I don't trust her." As soon as those words left his mouth, he regretted them. It wasn't that he didn't trust her. It was just so complicated and he would rather die than explain himself any further to Lou.

"So?" she tried to continue. "People work for competitors all the time. Did she sign a non-compete clause? I don't even think, in this profession, that's an issue."

"Lou? No disrespect here…" Josh started "but whatever you want to ask me is probably going to be personal and I really do not want to get into the 'why's' of me not hiring Donna."

"Josh, you should not, not hire her because of personal issues. You cannot, not hire her because you and Donna had a fight before she resigned her position at the White House. That's it right? That's the issue?"

"I am not talking about this with you!" he shouted. "I don't want to talk about this with anyone. I have made a decision about Donna and as campaign manager I've made up my mind. Hiring Donna is not a good idea." He finalized, feeling the beginnings of a massive headache.

"Okay." Lou stated. She knew when she had lost a battle. Josh was not going to share a damn thing with her and she would not push it for now. But she had every intention of bringing this up again with him. Donna would be a great hire; of that she was sure. She needed help and Donnatella seemed to be well versed in communication issues, politics and the media.

Josh saw her walk out the door and groaned out loud. It wasn't like he didn't know that Donna would do a good job. She definitely would. It was just that he did not know if he would be able to handle seeing her on a daily basis and having her hate him. And he was right. There was the issue of trust. Maybe she would not screw Matt Santos but she had screwed him. At least that's what he felt. And how do you come back from that? You couldn't. After the person that you trusted the most, that you loved the most, betrayed you there was no going back. Deep in his mind he knew that it wasn't fair to her to put love and trust in the same context. He never told her how he felt about her but that didn't mean that the feelings of betrayal mixed in with the ones he felt towards her on loyalty and yes love were not intertwined so much in his mind and in his heart that he was not able to differentiate between the two.

However, she did seem willing to make it work. She had also told him that it was her job and it's wasn't that he didn't do the same to her damn candidate. He had ripped him to shreds but still knowing and seeing Donna actively try to sabotage his plans had made him so angry. Donna was supposed to be helping him, actively thinking strategies and conducting metrics that would elect "their" candidate, not actively trying to annihilate him and his choice.

"This is so royally fucked up…" he murmured to himself. Before he knew it he had picked up the phone and started dialing, from memory, a familiar cell phone number. So familiar, that if he closed his eyes, he could probably dial the phone number and never skip a beat.

_**Meanwhile at Donna's apartment**_

Donna looked outside her window and sighed sadly. She sat on the window sill as she sipped her Pinot Noir. The window sill was one of her favorite spots, and to be nothing but frank, one of the reasons she decided to rent this apartment. The view of the White House was not that great but it was visible and as much as she loved and missed the White House, it was good to be home and be able to still see the outskirts of it. It made her happy and nostalgic.

She played the wretched conversation that she had with Josh today and her eyes started filling up yet again with unshed tears. Maybe one day she would be able to think of Josh and not feel like crying, actually cry or become depressed at the mention of his name. She knew the conversation they were bound to have when they finally were face to face would be brutal but what had transpired far exceeded what she had psychologically prepared herself for. He hadn't been cruel; he had just been unyielding and unforgiving. Not in a million years did she ever think that Josh would read back to her, from a manila folder, tidbits of media that she had said about Santos. Who does that? Josh, that's who! An excellent campaign manager would be prepared for anything and he was excellent. He made sure of that.

She smiled a bit as she remembered countless times that they both had been working at the White House and how they had laughed at and thoroughly enjoyed each other's company. The first few years were great. She had not minded staying behind and helping him. Not only because she loved him but because she also enjoyed learning from him. He never seemed to tire of her questions, even though, there were times when he would seemed annoyed with her. But then again she liked to annoy him just to see him react. Josh annoyed at her sometimes made for a funny Josh. She couldn't help but laugh and he would instantly melt towards her.

Donna took another sip of her wine and continued to stare out the window as she let thoughts of Josh consume her. Before she knew it, she had finished her glass and was up serving herself another one. She sat back on the window sill and picked up her cell phone. She was used to carrying it with her at all times. Habit that she had started when she worked for Josh and habit that she had not been able to get rid of since then…

As she turned the phone in her hand, she wondered what would happen if she would just pick up the phone and call Josh? What would happen? She wanted to fix things between them. It was a little about the job but it was also about her and him. About righting the wrongs that had been had between them; did it really matter who reached out first? Did it even really matter if he didn't want to reach out at all? The fact remained that she did. She wanted to reach out to him. She wanted to apologize for her part in all of this mess. And she wanted to do it because by God she loved him and if she couldn't have him as her lover and her future husband, she would have him as a friend; if he'd have her.

A few hours ago she had told herself that she would not make a fool of herself anymore in front of him. But who was she kidding? All she needed was to see him again and she was putty in his hands. It was sad really…but a fact nonetheless. No matter how much he made her cry she found herself drawn to him over and over again. What power did he possess over her that she didn't seem to care how he treated her? Being near him made her crazy. Why was it again that she wanted to work with him?

She opened her phone and started dialing and then quickly shut it. "No Donna." She told herself. "Do not call him. You are stronger than that." She could not call him. Things could only get worse if she called him. Right? Right? Right? She had to convince herself of that because if she didn't then there would be nothing to stop her from calling him.

All of a sudden she jumped up as she felt her phone vibrate against her as it started to ring as well. Her eyes opened wide as she saw the caller ID. "Josh?" Was she imagining this?

She nervously opened her phone and answered: "Hello?"

"Donna? It's Josh." He stammered nervously. He didn't know why he had called her but before he knew it he was dialing her phone number. He knew it by heart so before his heart caught up with his head the phone was already ringing and he was not going to hang up. They were not high schoolers anymore.

To say that Donna was speechless was an understatement. Josh had called her. He had reached out to her. After everything that was said to each other, he still reached out. What did it mean?

"Hey." She found herself saying. She could not utter another word.

"Listen. I'm not sure why I picked up the phone and dialed your number." He started nervously. "I guess…I guess I was just making sure that you…well, that you, were okay." He finally stammered.

"I'm okay Josh." She said. What she really wanted to say was that she was so glad that he had reached out first. That if he hadn't somehow she knew that she would pick up the phone in the next five minutes and dial his number.

"I meant what I said." Donna heard him say.

"When?" she questioned. So many things had been said between them and so many things needed to be resolved.

"Making a few calls. On your behalf." He uttered. It might be a good idea, Josh thought, to make her think that he had called her on official campaign headquarter business. And maybe a little bit of personal but more business. You know…just in case he needed an out.

Donna closed her eyes and dropped her head sadly. "I already said no." Donna whispered quietly. "I'm not going to beg for a job. I did that with you today and it did not feel very good to be honest." So it was business that he wanted to talk about. Great. For a moment, a very brief moment, her heart had soared. And in true Josh fashion, he had broken her heart once again into a million pieces.

"You didn't beg me Donna. You came knowing that you might have a chance or not for that matter. But I still should have given you your due respect for stepping up to the plate and coming to interview. My personal anger got to me." He finalized. He at least owed her that. That truth he could give her.

"You're still mad at me then?" she questioned hesitantly. Maybe she could turn this into a somewhat personal conversation. After all, when would she again have this opportunity? Possibly never if things kept going the way they were.

"No. Yes. I don't even know anymore." He said ambivalently. How could he tell her that yes he was mad at her but not for the reasons that she thought. For the tenth time in the span of three minutes he was asking himself why the hell he had picked up the phone. Maybe it would have been better for this particular situation and this part of their screwed up relationship to be left alone.

"I shouldn't have left the way I did Josh." Donna offered. As an olive branch she hoped it would be good enough. She didn't really know what he wanted from her right now. She was still trying to process the fact that he had picked up the phone, after all these months, and called her. She knew exactly what she wanted from him but she hadn't the nearest clue what he wanted from her.

"I know." He stated. A part of him did know that she was sorry for that. The part that still had a little bit of logic attached to his brain where she was concerned.

"I'm sorry for that. But I am not sorry that I spread my wings and found my own confidence in spite of you not being there to pick up the pieces if I failed." Donna continued: "You were my knight in shining armor. You fixed things for me, plenty of times might I add, and I let you. I had to know who I was without you Josh. I might have not done it the right way but I had to do it."

"I know you hate me." He exclaimed. _**Where the hell did that come from?**_

"What?" Donna asked, confused. " Josh. I don't hate you."

"Yes you do!" He found himself raising his voice. "Don't tell me you don't because I know you do. You have to!"

"Why would I hate you Josh?" she questioned.

"Because of everything that has transpired between us. Because I didn't know how to read the signs that you were giving me when you expressed your unhappiness. Because I didn't support you and your dreams of being something other than my assistant. Because I never should have sent you to Gaza. Because I never know how to act when you are around me. Because of everything that I should have done yet failed miserably in your eyes. For all that you hate me. And maybe even for stuff that I don't even know that I did wrong but in your eyes they were heinous acts against you."

"Oh Josh." Donna said, as tears ran down her face. "There are so many things that I need to say to you but I don't want to do it over the phone. I can't do it over the phone. If we do this, we need to do it in person. What do you say?" Donna asked hesitantly.

"Where?" Josh asked just as hesitantly. _**Maybe there was hope…**_

"Do you want someplace public?" Donna asked quickly. _**Maybe there was hope…**_

"No." Came Josh's retort just as quickly.

"Do you want me to come to you? Or do you want to come to me?"

"I come to you. Are you home?"

"Yes."

"I'll see you in ten minutes."

The moment of truth had arrived. They were going to hash this out and God help them all but everything was going to be laid out on the table and if they both died from this, so be it! But this shit between them was going to get clarified one way or another.


	3. The Conversation - Chapter 2

_**And If You Think I Don't Miss You Everyday…**_

Thank you to all that viewed and/or reviewed my story. I hope that you guys enjoyed the prologue and Chapter 1. I am not quite sure how long or exactly where I'm taking the story. I guess we will have to wait and see where my muse takes me (and by muse I mean my mood…)

Please continue to let me know your thoughts or what you guys would like to see in the developing story/plot.

_**Disclaimer: I do not own the character – I am just in love with them and write to keep them alive in my thoughts.**_

_**Chapter 2**_

Donna was well on her third glass of wine. She didn't know what else to do. It wasn't like she was drunk; she wasn't even tipsy. But as soon as she hung up with Josh the enormity of what was about to transpire hit her like a ton of bricks. Their conversation could only go two ways: or they figured out what had transpired between them or they would fight until neither of them wanted to ever speak to the other again.

What was she going to say to him? What was he going to say to her?

She paced the living room relentlessly. She was so nervous. Why was she freaking out? She had wanted this for so long. Wanted to talk to him and tell him how she felt. Would she have a chance to do that? What if he just came to yell at her and tell her that he wanted nothing more to do with her and to stay away from him and the campaign?

"Calm down Donna" She told herself and continued: "There is no use in getting worked up. What will happen will happen." She stated as she gulped down her wine with a bit of a trembling hand.

She heard the knock at the door and winced slightly. "Here goes nothing…"

She walked towards the door and took a deep breath. She then opened the door and fought to not gasp out loud. It had been so long since he had been to her apartment. It had been longer still since she lost hope of ever seeing him at her doorstep. She narrowed her eyes slightly and saw his appearance. He seemed agitated, nervous and a bit panicked.

"Hey." She found herself saying out loud as she stepped to the side and let him in the door.

"Hey." Josh echoed her welcome. She looked absolutely beautiful. Josh couldn't help but think that. Then again when didn't she look absolutely stunning and breathtaking? He had truly missed her.

If you asked him, in this instance, he would not be able to tell you how he was inside of Donna's apartment. The fact was that since he saw her in his office a few hours ago everything had gone to shit and all he wanted was to be there, standing in front of her. He didn't know what was going to happen and he didn't even know where to start. The only thing that he was absolutely sure of was the fact that he couldn't, he wouldn't, go another day without trying to fix things between them. And if they were not fixable, at least he could tell himself that he tried and maybe then he could finally move on with his life. And if his thoughts of her hatred towards him were founded then he needed to hear it from her. He needed to hear from her, in person, that she didn't hate him because he couldn't believe what she had told him over the phone. He needed to look at her, in the eye, and she needed to repeat to him that she didn't hate him in order for him to believe her. If she did that then he would know. He would know if she was lying or not. And he needed to know. Because not knowing was worse than knowing the truth, as painful as that would be.

"Josh." Donna began.

Josh turned to look at her expectantly. Maybe he didn't have to start the conversation because she would. Like always she would do the talking and the protecting for the both of them. He wasn't as strong as her when it came to situations like this. One of the things he came to rely on her for was her taking charge of the things that didn't come easy for him. This was one of those times.

"I meant what I said…" he heard her continue.

"What?"

"That I don't hate you." She began. "Why don't we start with that?" Donna said as she motioned for him to sit down.

How is she still able to read him so well? How did she know that that was what was front and center in his mind? Josh then moved his head side to side indicating that he did not want to sit as she had invited him to a few seconds ago. He was too agitated to sit at this point. He didn't think he could remain seated or still for more than three seconds. Leave it up to Donna to start their conversation right where the phone call had ended. Why skedaddle around the bush?

"Why not?" He found himself asking, following her lead.

"Because you have given me no reason to hate you." Donna stated. "You say that I hate you because you didn't read the signs that I was giving you when I was unhappy. I say that's not true. I was unhappy Josh. Very unhappy. But I didn't give you a fair chance to explain either. I just was so tired you know…and I was unhappy with myself more than I was unhappy with you. I am not going to sit here and not say that you had nothing to do with it because you did but I was unhappy with myself as well. "

"Donna…" Josh started.

Donna held her hand up. "No. Please let me finish. After I'm done, you can talk, but I need to finish. I up and left you and quit with no explanation and no notice. I just abandoned you. And I bet that is exactly how you felt. I could've left another way and made you see why I was leaving. Instead I was a bit selfish and self centered and left. Honestly, I left wanting you to hurt a little bit. Because I was hurting Josh and I wanted, needed, you to at least hurt a bit."

"You leaving was the hardest thing I had to go through." Josh started. "I'm not even sure I am over that yet."

Donna smiled but didn't continue his train of thought. "You not supporting my dreams of being something other than your assistant was something that hurt me deeply. I am not going to say that I didn't think you thought me capable. But that's how it felt. I don't presume to know your every thought but at least, in the beginning of our working relationship, I thought you respected me and that's why you took me under your wing and you tried to teach me things Josh. But once I learned things it seemed like you didn't want me to grow anymore. And I didn't know what to do with that. And sending me to Gaza well how were you supposed to know what was going to happen? You are crazy if you think I hate you for that."

"Gaza was my idea Donna. I knew I should have not sent you but I still did because I was afraid."

"Afraid?" Donna asked, surprised.

"If I didn't give you something to do other than what you were doing I was afraid that you would make a drastic decision and you did anyway."

"And you not knowing how to act around me? What is that all about? I did not understand that at all. And finally what you could have done that I would think you have failed miserably in my eyes?"

It was Josh's turn now. Josh's turn to say something. To clear things up. Hearing Donna say she didn't hate him made him feel a bit more courageous to tell her what he was feeling. He was going to jump off a cliff and leave no feeling behind. It was time to reveal the truth.

Josh continued: "You leaving with no notice and no regard for me or all the years we had worked and collaborated together made me feel betrayed. There is nothing more important to me in the world than loyalty. You know this." Josh stated. He seemed anguished. He seemed to be feeling those emotions of betrayal as he was speaking the words. This situation still affected him. It affected him to the core. There was no mistaking that. "Donna I thought that you had my back. I thought that out of everyone that I dealt with on a daily basis the most loyal to me was you Donna." Josh continued.

Once again his voice started to crack and his eyes started to fill with unshed tears. For so long he had wanted to tell her this but knew that he would never have a chance to. And now it seemed so unreal but here he was with Donna standing in front of him, her eyes also filling with unshed tears as she listened to what he had to say. Although it might be hard for her to hear, she was listening to him and to what he had to say. And that made him feel better.

Donna was stunned that it seemed Josh finally was going to open up and start talking about why he was still so angry with her. Did she like what he had to say? No. Did she think that he needed to get it out of his system? Yes. Did she need to hear it? Yes. Maybe then she could understand him and finally be able to break free from her own anguish and her own anger.

"Donna you were the one person who I spent twelve, thirteen, fourteen hour days with. The one person that probably did not have clearance to know all she knew in the White House but I trusted you implicitly and I knew, I just knew, that you would rather die than betray one of my confidences. I would have put my hands in the fire for you. Then one day you stopped in your tracks and you told me that you quit and that was that." Josh stated. "You have no idea what that did to me. I second guessed everything that I believed in. Because if anyone would have told me that the one person, I felt, I could not do my job without thought so little of me? That in my time of need she would just up and go without even looking back and without a second thought move on so blatantly to work for someone that I didn't care for? Work with people that I thought less of? No. Not Donna. Not my Donna. That's what I would have said. Yet you proved me wrong. Then if I was wrong on that what else was I wrong on?" Josh stammered.

"Josh…" Donna started. It was Josh's turn to be the one to hold up his hand and stop her. "You had your chance. Now I do believe it's my turn."

Donna nodded her head and shut up.

"You telling me that I didn't think you capable? That is complete and utter nonsense. You knew that I counted on you for a million and one things! You knew that day in and day out we would spend countless hours strategizing and coming up with solutions to real problems. If I didn't think you capable then why would I come to you?" Josh questioned. "I'll admit that I took advantage of you and your capabilities and that I didn't want to see you leave your position because it would make mine so much harder. I wanted you to stay with me because you did make my life easier and if that makes me a son of a bitch then so be it. Right here, right now I am admitting to you that you were invaluable to me. You were irreplaceable Donna! You still are. I have not worked with anyone the way I worked with you. Our synchronicity was unbelievable. You knew what I needed before I even knew that I needed it."

"Josh." Donna began not even caring at this point that tears were running down her face. All she wanted was to fix this thing between them.

"Do you realize that when I started this campaign I had no one Donna? Absolutely no one. Then when I found out that you were working for the opposition, I almost fell off my chair. I didn't know how to react to that."

"I don't know what you want me to say." Donna said frankly.

"I was drowning Donna!" Josh screamed. "Drowning! And the first impulse that I had for months on end was to pick up the damn phone and call you. Because I needed you. I wanted you to help me! I needed you to be by my side but you were not there. You were working for them when you should have been working for me. Honestly I didn't care about the others as much as I cared about you. Losing them all at once was not as hard as losing you."

"And that's when you deduced that I hated you. You needed to believe I hated you so you could move on from me and not feel guilty about letting me go from your thoughts." Donna surmised. She did know him better than anyone after all. "I'm sorry Josh." Donna finally said. "Truly sorry."

"Yes." He finally admitted. "I needed to make myself believe that you hated me, at first, but then a funny thing happened…after a while I started to believe it. And I guess it was because of the few times that we did bump into each other and the times that you and I just seemed to become more and more distant and you seemed to become more and more detached. As I was missing you day in and day out you seemed to be doing just fine without me." Josh finalized, as he stopped pacing the floor and ran a hand through his hair. Now that he had started talking it seemed that nothing was going to stop him. He was on a roll and boy did it feel good to finally let it all out.

"I never believed I would be able to do it without you." She acknowledged. "But I did Josh and that was a good thing. I told you a few hours ago you were not used to seeing me in a position of authority and that it made you feel uncomfortable. But I did learn something about myself. I learned that I was strong and smart and did I owe it to you? Yes. Probably more than I wanted to admit I owed it to you. But don't you see? Don't you understand? I needed this time to see myself grow and become what I became. Because that means that not only did I prove to myself that I could do a good job in a role that wasn't administrative or secretarial. But I also proved it to you. I wanted to prove myself to you too. I wanted you to be proud of me." Donna confessed.

"What?" Josh questioned.

Donna looked at Josh and at his disheveled appearance and she knew that he was three seconds away from asking her for a drink so she put her glass of wine down on the table, walked the short distance to the kitchen, opened the refrigerator and pulled out a beer. Donna then walked back to the living room handed him the beer and grabbed her glass from the table.

"Thanks." Josh said as he unscrewed the top of the bottle and took a giant swig of the beer. "What do you mean you wanted me to be proud of you Donna? I always was proud of you."

"Josh you saw me as your assistant and that's it."

"I don't understand." Josh said honestly.

"I wanted you to see me as, if not your equal, someone who had the capacity for you to be able to sit down with and take seriously."

"Donna I always took you seriously. You had to have known that your title never meant anything to me."

"Come on Josh…" Donna started.

"No. Donna no. I didn't see your title. I just saw you." He emphasized. "I am not lying when I say that."

"Oh Josh. What have we done to each other?" She finally said, as a sob escaped her.

"I don't know." Josh said, sadly.

"Where do we go from here?" Donna questioned, hesitantly?

Now wasn't that the question of the hour…


End file.
